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Sir Ovens

aka Scott

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  • I live in Singapore
  • I was born on July 30
  • My occupation is a home kitchen appliance
  • I am Ovensexual
Eldrich Oven

Greetings mortal. You have journeyed far to end up at my doorstep. Perhaps you are here on accident? Or perhaps you seek to destroy the Great Oven. No matter. Enjoy your stay, and feel free to browse through my collection of intricate trinkets.

But do be warned, an Oven's eyes, know no boundary...

The Great Dispair

...and so it came to pass, The Great Despair, as the elders called it. A great and mighty being loomed over the sky. As the ground shook, the people could sense a great transformation taking place. The very earth was twisting and bending to the will of the horrifying creature. As the people looked to the skies, their eyeballs burst into flames, igniting their brains and disintegrating their souls. It was a sight to behold indeed. And it was a sight no mortal could comprehend...

The Grand Archives

The Sacred Texts

Chapter 1: Blessings of an Oven

A lone knight entered the halls of an abandoned church. He sought asylum from the other worldly abominations that loomed outside. He was soaking wet from the acid rains pouring outside, yet he felt no pain, rather, he was numb to it. Acid rainwater dripped from his armor, as the knight trudged forward, weary from his time spent outside. His metal boots clanged upon the dusty marble floors with each passing step, echoing throughout the building.


Chapter 2: Leftovers to Reheat

A blonde figure trudged through a barren land. Visibility was low, as a windy mist blew against the figure. Her footsteps were slow and heavy, indicative of the time she had spent pressing onward. How long has it been? She thought to herself. Day? Weeks? Months maybe? She could not be sure. Just then, a figure appeared in the distance. It was stationary, and stood out like a light in darkness. The blonde girl could not believe her eyes. She marched forward, determined to reach the figure. As it drew closer, she could feel herself losing the feeling in her legs. She walked and walked, until her legs gave way and she collapsed before the figure. The blonde girl looked up with tired eyes. What greeted her was a peculiar sight. Lo and behold, it was a large creature draped in clothing the girl had never seen before.

"Another lost soul, I recon?" The creature questioned. The girl mustered up the strength to set herself upright, before responding. "Where am I?" The creature looked around them. "We are where we must be." The girl frowned. "I'm gonna ask again, and this time, be a lot less cryptic." The creature met her gaze. "We are at a crossroads. A place we ended up in through our very own decisions." The girl sighed. "I apologize." The creature responded. "I am unable to elaborate further, for my knowledge of this place is fractured." The girl tilted her head in confusion. "Fractured?" "Yes, very much so. It would seem this barren wasteland has taken its toll on my memory." The girl looked down for a moment, deep in thought. "What bothers you, child?" The creature inquired. "I-I don't remember anything about myself, my past. I can't remember anything..." The creature nodded in understanding. "It would seem my theories of this land were right. It takes away our thoughts, the ones most precious to us. It wants us to forget." The girl's eyes widened at the revelation. "Why does it want us to forget?" The creature closed its eyes in thought. "Answers about this place only lead to more questions, and the more questions we have, the more this place takes from us." "Then what do we do?" The girl asked in desperation. The creature opened its eyes and gazed upon the girl. "Perhaps we should make a choice, and stick to it. The less we know, the less this place takes from us."

The creature extended his hand towards the girl in an act of generosity. The girl looked at the creature's hand and hesitated for a moment, before accepting his offer and pulling herself up off the floor. She dusted herself off as the creature turned towards another direction. "I say we head toward that direction, and see what we find." The girl looked into the direction the creature was pointing to and saw nothing. "I don't think there's anything there." She noted. "We stand to gain nothing from just standing here." The creature responded. The girl looked around them and saw nothing for miles on end. Begrudgingly she elected to follow the creature into the unknown.

Chapter 3: The Rotten, Cold, and Unloved

The Warden stepped down a cold corridor as his keys clinked loudly in his hands with each passing step. The sound of muffled screams and moans seeped through the cracks of the stone floor. The Warden halted, and stood before a locked wooden door. The sounds of suffering was ever more audible now. The screams of torment drifted past the Warden like a chill breeze, sharp and piercing.

The Warden closed his eyes for a moment, thinking of the comfort and relief of just turning and walking away. This thought was quickly replaced by the Order's Modus Operandi. The Warden let out a defeated sigh and unlocked the accursed door. Cries of anguish filled the air as the door swung open. The Warden stepped into the darkness beyond the door as it swung closed behind him. The Warden descended down a spiral staircase lit by nothing but torches affixed to either side of the walls. The deeper the Warden went down, the louder the sound of pain and agony got, until it had reached a deafening volume.

He had arrived.

The basement of the building was a dungeon where peasants from across the lands were taken to and cast divine punishment upon by the Great Oven himself. Making pizza for all eternity, disassembling and reassembling microwave ovens, staring at a microwave that will never stop as food spins inside it forever; these were just some of the punishments forced upon anyone unfortunate enough to sin in the Oven's gaze.

However, the Warden's duty was not to these lesser souls, but to one ones too far gone from the Oven's light. The Warden walked past a figure chained to a wall. "Hello?" the figure cried out. "Is anyone there? Please let me go! I'm the main character! I shouldn't be here-" The figure's peas fell upon deaf ears, as the Warden quickened his pace.

Next, the Warden walked past a room filled with hundreds of eyes, all staring at one man. The man was hunched over and held down by some invisible pressure. The Warden could hear the man begging for the eyes to stop staring with a choked voice. The sound of bones cracking could be heard with every struggle the man made. "I s-see no future... None where I don't... S-Suffer... Please... I wish to go back into the darkness..." The sound of more bones cracking could be heard as the Warden pressed onward.

The Warden passed a few more rooms, each with their own specifically tailored brand of torture, until finally, he reached a metal door. Bolted to said door, was a message, inscribed harshly, and without care. It read:

For the one who incited the full wrath of the mighty O

Long will he remain, to satisfy the V

Never will he know, the glory of E

And forever will he remember the message of N

O V E N

The Warden read the inscription with tired eyes, like he had done countless times prior. He unlocked the door with a rusted key, and entered the room. Within it, sat a boy in a chair, at the center of a large arena. He was sat facing an unplugged oven, staring at it intently. The warden turned to the side of the entrance, picked up a folding chair, and walked up to the boy. He unfolded his chair and sat facing the boy and the oven.

"How are we today?" The Warden spoke. "Why?" The boy questioned, eyes still fixated on the oven. The Warden sighed. "You incited the full wrath of the mighty O, remain to satisfy the V, never will you know the glory-"

"I know why I'm here!" The boy exclaimed, eyes still on the oven. "Please, I don't expect forgiveness, I just want anything but this." The Warden remained silent. "What did I do to deserve this? What did I actually do?" The Warden blinked, then he shrugged. "Is she... Is she ok?" The Warden responded with a popping sound from his lips. The two of them remained silent for a few minutes. The boy breathed in with a defeated sigh. "Why am I doing this?"

The Warden widened his eyes and leaned in closer. "Because it takes no skill to look at an oven."

With that, the Warden raised from his seat, collapsed his chair, and began to walk away. He could hear the boy desperately attempt to move out of his position in an effort to do something, anything. But alas, his efforts were futile. "This is spite! We did nothing wrong!" As the Warden closed the metal door, he whispered to the boy, "You exist." and slammed the door shut with a loud thud.

Fresh Out The Oven

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